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Hail the red war in Singapore

Liverpool and Manchester United supporters are fighting on social media, and it's brilliant

It's already started in Singapore. On social media, certain folks are foaming at the mouth and bleeding the red of their respective clubs.

When a season-long battle beckons between Liverpool and Manchester United, their followers can be more entertaining than the wheezing old guy in Washington.

But enough about Wayne Rooney, let's return to the war of the Reds.

United fans are already unhappy that Liverpool are seen as the protectors of the EPL's credibility, the only club capable of stopping Manchester City from behaving like Jho Low at one of his yacht parties.

One spent an obscene amount of money, showering celebrities with gifts in a bid to look fashionable. And the other was Jho Low.

The EPL couldn't look any more like the Roman Empire if Pep Guardiola wore a toga, stretched out on a bed of naked women and ordered Raheem Sterling to feed him grapes.

Of course, Sterling would only hit Pep's mouth with one in every three grapes.

So it's Liverpool's job to play the heroic underdogs, the martyrs to City's magnificence and close the gap. And the Merseysiders do martyrdom better than most, which is not surprising considering they've had 28 years of practice.

They tend to swim in their own self-pity, which is why Loris Karius was treated to a standing ovation in a recent friendly. He clapped in gratitude, one of the rare occasions when his hands actually worked.

At Liverpool, goalkeepers make mistakes and get standing ovations. When I was a kid, non-league teams booed ball boys when they made mistakes. I know. I was the ball boy.

But then, Liverpool have often considered themselves a more refined football club, which drives United supporters to Joker-levels of insanity.

Now it's only going to get worse because the Reds are the neutral's choice. Juergen Klopp is everyone's favourite uncle, whereas Jose Mourinho is the mumbling uncle who sits in the corner, dribbling.

Liverpool don't even have polarising players any more. In the past, there was always a Mario Balotelli, who performed better in nightclubs, or an Andy Carroll, who looked like a doorman outside a nightclub.

Now the Reds have the saintly Mo Salah, who is surely only a season away from stopping all wars and eradicating global poverty.

In Egypt, he walks on water. In Manchester, Victor Lindelof struggles to walk in a straight line.

Even in the vein-bulging, boot-kicking era of the irascible Sir Alex Ferguson, there was always the Class of 92's charm or Eric Cantona's charisma to root for.

Now Mourinho calls upon Marouane Fellaini to protect a narrow lead, rousing the afro from his dungeon and sending out his formidable elbows.

Long-term United followers know all of this. In contemplative moments, they must recall those hazy days when red shirts ran around a bit. Now they sit on the halfway line and wait for Paul Pogba to finish on the phone with his agent.

So they're lashing out at Liverpool instead. On my Twitter feed, United fans have already insisted that the referee in the Reds-West Ham game was kelong because Sadio Mane's goal was offside.

Yes, that's why Liverpool will probably finish above United this season. Kelong. It's not because the Red Devils move slower than the construction workers on Tottenham's new stadium or that they're managed by the Nutty Professor.

Of course, Reds fans are no better. They're saying just one line on an endless loop. It's our year.

Sorry, it's #ouryear. The hashtag emphasises their sense of destiny and their sense of humour.

It's been a leap year more often than it's been Liverpool's year.

But Anfield is home to Liverpool's best squad and manager in a generation. So they're smug.

Old Trafford is home to a chimp's tea party. So they're seething.

Smug and seething go together like Mourinho and Pogba on a Tinder date.

So the war of words between Liverpool and United fans promises to be a highlight of the season, but it'll simmer down by Christmas.

They won't make up. City will just make off with the title.

The Reds may dream of catching City, but there's more chance of Karius catching a cross.

  • Catch Neil Humphreys as he gives his satirical take on the English Premier League and football every Saturday, from 10am to noon, on Money FM 89.3.
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